The Why of Self-Kindness
Do any of these sound like something you would think?
“I don’t really need or deserve that. I will leave it for someone else.”
“I want to say no, but I don’t want to make that person mad at me.”
“I am so ugly/fat/awful.”
“My greatest value is in the things I do for other people.”
If these sound like you—then YOU need to start practicing self-kindness. You might not even realize it. Often we tell ourselves that as long as we are polite, supportive, and kind to other humans, it doesn’t matter what is going on inside us.
But in those situations—which a lot of people are living—the politeness, supportiveness, and kindness you offer to others isn’t coming from a place of authenticity. It’s forced. Doing the right things is a hollow and even violent act when our motivations are not in alignment. If you are hesitating to make self-kindness a priority in your life, I’m here to make the case about why you should change your perspective.
Why is Kindness to Oneself Important?
Kindness to ourselves is important because we spend more time with ourselves than anyone else. No one sees us from the perspective we see ourselves. This is as true of our joy as it is of our suffering.
When you are struggling, do you let yourself see it? I don’t mean asking others for help. I just mean holding space to yourself. For me, before I did the intentional work of learning self-kindness, I would just barrel through my emotions. If I was feeling sad, frustrated, or overwhelmed, I just looked the other way and told myself I had to keep going. But at the same time, if a family member or loved one called me feeling those same emotions, I was fully capable of holding space for them and giving them room to feel.
There is a very harmful social narrative that it is self-indulgent or selfish to be in our feelings when they are not positive. In reality, one of the pillars of self-compassion established by self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff is the recognition that we are imperfect and experience pain and suffering.
Loving kindness for ourselves is often far more challenging to pull off simply because of this fact. It’s not about motivating yourself to get over those feelings or seeking a solution. It’s just allowing yourself to be human and relaxing self-judgment.
Studies show that introducing self-kindness allows both our minds and bodies to relax. A lower heart rate and less anxiety are among the physical and mental benefits of this practice.
If you are living without self-kindness, you are treating yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions as a threat. And there is no escape from living in “danger mode,” because you will always be with yourself. This is why learning and practicing loving kindness for ourselves is more than just a trendy buzzword or hokey new-age movement. In fact, if you are dismissing it as such, I would be willing to bet that is grounded in fear and feelings of unworthiness…
Growing Self Compassion, Step By Step
If you are convinced that growing self-compassion is a worthy goal and want to get to know yourself better without judgment, I encourage you to join in my self-kindness challenge. This is 30 days of small challenges like making a bucket list, drinking water, and dancing to your favorite song. If it sounds silly and full of fun, that is part of the point! Self-kindness includes allowing ourselves to play and feel joy as well as struggle or set goals for growth.
In fact, self-kindness is shown to motivate us toward our goals more strongly than self-condemnation. Just like other people respond better to positive reinforcement, it turns out this is true when we motivate ourselves as well.
My 30-day self-kindness challenge is created to align with many of the clinically- and academically-recognized strategies to develop self-compassion step-by-step, including:
Treat yourself as you would treat a friend.
Be easier with yourself.
Adapt to negative emotions, don’t dismiss them.
Check your thoughts of self-criticism and reword them more positively.
Loving self-kindness for ourselves is a daily practice. It gets easier with time, but every day presents a new set of emotions and experiences that will challenge us. This is one of those emotional journeys where the destination is always in front of us! But the longer we walk the road, the easier and more beautiful it becomes…because we are walking it with ourselves as a friend.
If you need additional support to find that path, reach out to me for individual coaching or to book me as a speaker for a group! I am here to support you.
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