My fiancé Dennis impresses and inspires me in a lot of ways. But here is one way: when he is tired, he goes to sleep.
Okay…not exactly a revelation, I know. But let me elaborate a little. He takes naps. When his body tells him it needs sleep, he listens. He doesn’t argue with himself about it.
Then, by comparison, you have me. I tell myself I will go to bed…but first, I will push myself to fold this load of laundry. Or I think, I will give myself ten more minutes on social media. My body is telling me I’m tired, and instead of listening, I argue about it. I push myself past it. I believe that not listening to my own needs is somehow a greater self-kindness than listening.
But you know what? It isn’t nice to myself, and it sometimes even prevents me from being nice to others.
This realization has inspired me to reflect on the ways our ideas about self-kindness can actually end up unkind to ourselves. Let’s explore two ideas that I at first thought were conflicting, but I have realized actually exist in balance.
The Easy Way Out is Not Self-Kindness
Let’s go back to the example I shared of me, not going to bed because I want to fold another load of laundry. In that scenario, I might tell myself that not folding the laundry is being lazy or taking the easy way out. And I want to start by speaking to this idea, because I don’t think it’s totally misguided. If we only did things when we felt like doing them, a lot of things might never get done! There always comes a time when we must buckle down and stretch outside our comfort zone.
But is folding laundry at 11pm or midnight really the necessary time? Is not folding that laundry really going to stick out in our memory a year, or even a month from now? If you’re like me and have to get up at 4:30 to start your day, you’re going to remember a lot more exhaustion, frustration, and dis-ease than you will the folded laundry.
I think as much as we use the excuse of wanting to push ourselves to “do it all,” and thinking it’s healthy to be depriving ourselves all the time, there are many of those situations where giving ourselves a break would be a lot kinder and more beneficial.
This meditation inspired in me the question—how are you using you, to be kind to you? If a loved one or friend called you tired at the end of a long day, and said they were about to fold laundry, would you kindly tell them to get some rest? And if so, why aren’t you extending yourself the same grace and understanding? It’s true that the easy way out is not self-kindness, but we also prevent ourselves from taking it far more often than we would stop others.
Staying Comfortable is Not Self-Kindness
This leads to my next thought, which is about fear, and staying comfortable. Because the real reason I think we often deny ourselves grace and self-kindness is fear. Fear of being seen as lazy, by ourselves or others. Or on a high level, it’s all fear of change.Changing how we live, how we see ourselves, or how we allow others to see us.
Yes, it’s not self-loving to fold the laundry at midnight, or to stay up scrolling social media and watching reruns, but if those behaviors are part of our routine, breaking the habit is a scary step. The same goes with having a job we hate but being in the habit of getting release through complaining. Or one of my other bad habits, eating a bowl of cereal at midnight.
Whether they are big or small, whether we hate them or love them, our habits keep us comfortable, and breaking them is never easy. It’s uncomfortable. So, we make excuses not to change. We convince ourselves change isn’t needed.
Okay, pause.
Whatever behaviors in your life aren’t working, you might be thinking I’m wrong that they are keeping you comfortable. In fact, if you’re like me up until all hours of the night, and only getting three or four hours of sleep, these habits make you uncomfortable. I can’t disagree. Fine. Your bad habits do make you uncomfortable.
So--why aren’t you changing?
Some aspect of our self-perception is kept safe and secure by these bad habits. Maybe it’s our idea of ourselves as a hard worker, the ingrained false belief that we don’t deserve better, or even our idea of ourselves as young, still able to pull all-nighters.
Keeping comfortable in these illusions, however complex they are, is not self-kindness. Yes, change is a lot of work. It’s a lot harder than keeping our bad habits. But the positive effects of our change and growth are worth the effort. Change is hard; but our bad unloving habits do harm.
What is Self-Kindness? Balance. Structure. Listening.
However you are currently comfortable in bad habits, you can’t let fear stop you from growing. Even if that is fear of leaving the laundry unfolded, that you tell yourself is a healthy fear—at midnight, it is not healthy. It is not kind to yourself. And the impact on your life might make it hard to be kind to others. It certainly isn’t helping you, be kind to you.
The good news is you don’t have to see the destination to start growing into new habits of self-kindness. In fact, you might not have the emotional space or perspective to know what you truly need until you start the shift. Only by introducing balance into our lives, through structure, can we create space to listen to more of our own needs.
So what have I done? Knowing I have to be up so early, I have made a commitment to be in bed by 9:30 every night. Laundry or no laundry. TikTok viral videos or not. Because nothing I am achieving by being up, eating cereal, and being afraid of what I am leaving undone (or unwatched) today, is preparing me to be my best self tomorrow.
It is kind to give ourselves a break. It is not kind to us to be stagnant. Sometimes the barrier between these two can be hard to figure out. But through practice and listening to my instincts, versus letting my learned behaviors override what I know I need, I am navigating these uncertain waters of self-kindness. I invite you to start your own journey along with me—and if you need support, you know I am always here.